


The Needs of the One

by HiddenTrekker



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Episode Addition, F/M, Guilt, Hurt, Tuvix - Freeform, relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-22
Updated: 2018-05-22
Packaged: 2019-05-10 03:29:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,267
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14729112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HiddenTrekker/pseuds/HiddenTrekker
Summary: Janeway has just converted Tuvix back in to her 2 crewmen, the guilt she feels it threatening to pull her under.





	The Needs of the One

**Author's Note:**

> I have been watching the original movies and Spocks words seemed to strike a cord, and then I caught the end of the Tuvix episode, the 2 seemed to fit.  
> Dedicated to the logic that is Spock and Leonard Nimoy.
> 
> Sorry for the spelling error with Spock being spelt Spook... Autocorrect has a lot to answer for. Corrected now

**The needs of the many out way the needs of the one **

I made it to my quarters before the guilt and sadness completely overwhelmed me, it had almost gotten the better of me in the corridor as I left Sickbay.

The decision to separate Neelix and Tuvok, effectively ending Tuvix life, was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make both as a Captain and as a person. I had considered him a friend, like many on the crew; all of us unsure when he became more to us than a random transporter accident.

                As soon as the doors to my quarters closed behind me and I was enveloped in the relative safety of their darkness my legs gave out from beneath me and the tears I had been fighting to hold back sprang freely from my eyes. My head fell in to my hands and I allowed the sadness to course through me.

                In truth I had been undecided about what to do up until the moment Kes came in to my Ready Room, having been sent there by Tuvix himself, seeking her help, but her sadness and pain over the loss of the man she loves had overruled her kind heart and compassion for the man who had taken his place. Kes loves Neelix more than she was able to love Tuvix, and her distress in that moment made my decision clear; as Ambassador Spock says ‘ _the needs of the many out way the needs of the few or the one_ ’.

                Seeing Kes light up at seeing Neelix re-materialise on that Biobed had been all the confirmation that I needed, the choice I had made and the subsequent actions I had carried out had been the right path to take, but that didn’t stop the pain that losing Tuvix was causing, and the guilt of seeing the resigned acceptance in his eyes as I injected him with the isotope caused.

                As I sat, crumpled on the floor I began to think about my relationships with the 3 men involved. Tuvok is one of my oldest and most trusted friends, I have known him for over 20 years and have been accepted in to his family as if I was one of their own, in many ways I look at Tuvok as a father figure, he has always given me the same advice that I believed my own father would have done.

Neelix has become the beating heart of this crew, his fun loving and happy nature has always kept the crews spirits up even in the darkest of circumstances. Without him I am not sure how we will survive out in this quadrant, well we would survive but the lighter moments of this voyage would be missing, but I have to admit that my taste buds will miss Tuvix’s cooking.

Tuvix, he was in himself such a conundrum. Talking to Chakotay about what to do was difficult; neither of us able to tell what he was to us and the crew anymore. How I wished in that moment I could have asked Tuvok’s advice, he would have given me the logical answer, ‘ _the needs of the many´_ floats through my mind again. I had started to rely on the advice that Tuvix had given me, his insight the same as Tuvok’s but with the gentle delivery of Neelix, and a sense of humour I had long suspected was hidden under Vulcan emotional suppression.

                Tears came freely, my cheeks streaked with them, and sobbing no longer choked and swallowed back. The guilt would eat my up otherwise, and there was no way I would be able to face the crew, as well as myself, knowing that they too would be blaming me for effectively murdering a crewman, even if his existence was an accident in the first place.

                Again Ambassador Spock’s words enter my head. I had sacrificed 1 life for the benefit of 2 lives, which in itself was the need of the many out waying the need of the one wasn’t it? Then there was the crew themselves to think of. The loss of both Tuvok and Neelix was having an effect on the ship, although we had managed with having Tuvix covering both Tuvok’s and Neelix’s duties there would be a time when both were needed, wouldn’t there?

                Slowly the tears slowed, and the sobs stopped, leaving behind the hiccup breathing. When I felt strong enough I got up off the floor and made my way over to my bedroom, shedding off my jacket and undershirt, leaving my tank and uniform trousers, toeing off my boots. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror of my bathroom. _I look as awful as I feel_ I think, and then my brain tells me it’s the least I deserve; I am alive still after all.

                I am about to instruct the sonic shower to activate to wash away the signs of my guilt, making me presentable to the rest of the crew when I return to duty when my door chimes. Instinctively I know who it is, and no longer care about what I look like.

                “Come” I say from my bedroom.

                “Captain?” Your familiar voice fill my quarters, I know you are a footstep inside the door and that they haven’t closed yet.

                “I was just about to take a shower Chakotay, what can I do for you?” I try to hide my face out of habit, but quickly realise that it is a foolish thing to do.

                “Nothing Kathryn, I came to see you. I wanted to make sure you were OK.” You say, stepping forward enough in to my quarters that to doors close, again bathing the room in darkness, allowing us to only see each other by starlight. “I heard about what happened in Sickbay with the Doctor, and wanted you to know that I was here if you wanted to talk about it.”

                You know me so well, and yet there are times you still feel like a stranger to me. “Just what did you hear?” I ask, knowing that the Doctor would have immediately notified you, and Ensign Kim would have filled in the details, the more human side of it all.

                “The Doctor told me that he refused to perform the procedure, so you did it all. That can’t have been easy for you.” You take another step towards me, reminding me of an animal, wary of a predator or sneaking up on its prey, for a moment I wonder which one I am.

                I raise an eyebrow, _understatement of the century_ I think, knowing if I say it out loud that your friendly visit will turn decidedly less friendly and more of a counselling session will occur, and right now I need a friend more. “You know, ever since I got back I have had those famous words of Ambassador Spock’s, _the needs of the many...”_

 _“Out way the needs of the few or the one”_ You finish, sometimes I forget that you had the same training as me and are probably as familiar with the original Enterprise’s missions and crew, even though they are some of the most famous in history, with equally famous crew.

                All I need to do is nod and you know what I am thinking. _Did I do the right thing for me or for my crew? The one or the many?_

I feel you come up behind me, rather than hear your footsteps on the carpet. One day you are going to have to teach me to be so light-footed, it is probably one of the skills that have kept you alive in the Marquis for so long. Your silent presence gives me more strength than you know, but yet you know how much I need it in this moment.

                “You made the only decision that you could Kathryn” You state, placing a hand on my shoulder, the warmth from your palm warming more than my skin. The vice of guilt that had been strangling my heart begins to loosen. _I might not have to put on a front tomorrow because of this man_ , the idea floats in and out of my mind faster than normal, but it was still there. Absentmindedly I lean back slightly in to your palm, seeking the comfort that your presence provides.

                “Did I?” I sigh, my hand coming up to massage the bridge of my nose, wanting the headache that I know is coming to hold off just a little longer. I can’t face Sickbay and the Doctor right now, but I know that this headache, when it comes, will be awful and I will need the EMH to give me a hypo. “I keep telling myself that I did, ending 1 life to bring 2 back. 2 experienced and loved members of this crew, but at the same time I still ended another’s life.” I shake my head, my fingers tightening on my nose as I squeeze my eye shut, holding the tears back now; I have shed enough for tonight.

                “Voyager wasn’t the same without Tuvok or Neelix...even if Tuvix was a good cook, there was nothing to bond the crew on a daily basis like the over use of leeola root.” You smile, without looking at your face I know you are. I can feel it.

                “You didn’t see his eyes Chakotay. So like Tuvok’s but with that look of hopelessness in them. He knew what I was doing and my reasons why and it was like he was trying to forgive me but beg for me to change my mind again” I lower my hand and catch the reflection of us in the viewport. _This is right, how it should be, him supporting me, me supporting him_ , the thought enters my mind unwanted, I still have Mark back on Earth, and waiting for me... isn’t he?

                “I can only imagine what that was like. You have known Tuvok for longer than any other member of this crew; he is the reason that Voyager was sent to find me and my crew. If it wasn’t for him who know who I would be serving with, or if any of us would be here now” You say.

                “You mean that some other Captain wouldn’t have gotten us stranded out here?” I know it’s not what you mean but I am too hurt and guilt ridden to think you mean anything other than that. “Some other Captain wouldn’t have destroyed the array, wouldn’t have allowed themselves to be pulled in by the Caretaker in the first place, wouldn’t have risked the rest of the small crew they had remaining to help the criminals that they had been sent to capture in the first place.”

                You take a step back, but your hand remains on my shoulder, steadying me against the rush of anger coursing through my body. It’s not anger at you, it’s anger at me, something that I think you know, otherwise you wouldn’t still be here with me. “No Kathryn, that’s not what I meant, and deep down you know that. What I mean is that some other Captain wouldn’t have immediately asked to work together, wouldn’t have been able to see past the orders and labels of what the Marquis were, wouldn’t have been able to see that we could work together, that we needed each other. Some other Captain wouldn’t have put the lives of hundreds of innocent people over the lives of 2 crews who had the means to make it home no matter what.” You smile again, “Again the needs of the many outweighed the needs of the few... only this time we were the few and the many were the Ocampa, and without Neelix we would never have met them, never have gotten Kim and Torres back with us. Without Neelix we wouldn’t have Kes with us, we wouldn’t have the hydroponics bay or the mess, without Tuvok we wouldn’t have survived half of the battles we have already been in, and without Tuvok I don’t think that _you_ would have survived as long as you have.”

                You fall silent, giving me the time that I need to process what you have said to me. I know what you are saying you believe to be true, and if I am honest with myself then I probably believe half of it.

                “Your right, without Neelix we wouldn’t have Harry or B’Elanna or Kes, and without Tuvok as my sounding board then I don’t think that I would be as clear headed about something’s, but you know the same could be said about you Chakotay. Without you I don’t think I would have been able to survive either. Both you and Tuvok are important to me, both of you steady me in different ways.” I sigh again and take a step towards you, regaining the closeness again. “But what if Tuvix had been given a chance, what if he had been able to become Tuvok to me with the humour and emotional concern of Neelix. I never really gave him that chance.”

                “Kathryn, you are going to talk yourself round in circles.” You state, again showing that you know me far better than I know myself at this moment, _do you know me even better than Mark knows me?,_ I push the question aside, I am too raw to deal with this now.

                “See what I mean” I smile at you, it feels good to smile, and that vice of guilt starts to loosen again. If you can understand what I did then maybe the rest of the crew can, although I am not sure that the Doctor will ever be able to understand my actions, after all it went against everything that his programming demands of him. “How are the rest of the crew?” I should have asked earlier but selfishly I needed your attentions more.

                “They are glad to have Neelix and Tuvok back. The Doctor has just released them from Sickbay with a clean bill of health. Tuvok will be back on duty tomorrow morning, he has asked for time to meditate on what has happened but Neelix is already in the kitchen with Kes at his side.” You smile at the image of Kes and Neelix together again, and I realise that there must be people you would do anything to have back in your life. “Right now the only person I am concerned about is this ship’s Captain.”

                “The Captain is fine as always, it’s Kathryn who is struggling” I admit. “I know as Captain I did the right thing, at least it is something I can live with telling myself, but as a person, ending another’s life is a difficult thing to wrestle with.” I move away from you, needing the distance suddenly to clear my head of you. “I have fired on people in battle, destroyed whole star ships while in command, and it has always troubled me a little, but ultimately it was a fight for the survival of my crew or me in each case... this time...” I trail off, not wanting to voice the word that has been taunting me since I injected Tuvix.

 _Murder_.

                “You fought for the survival of 2 of your crew, both as Captain and Kathryn you have to know that.” You state it so simply, matter of fact, I could almost believe you.

                We fall in to silence, both of us taking a moment to process what the other has said. I have pretty much admitted that I committed murder and you have just told me that it was justifiable.

Suddenly to close the gap between us, closer than you have been before on ship, wrapping your arms tightly around me, pulling my head to rest on your shoulder, reminding me of a long left behind planet and a storm that forced me to let go. Are you trying to tell me to let go now? I feel a hand go in to my hair, searching for the pins that hold it up, and slowly releasing them one by one. Are you trying to remove my Captain’s armour with your actions? I can’t see your face but I have a suspicion that you are softly smiling even with a frown marking your features.  Every piece of command training is telling me to make you stop, to rebuild the wall of protocol, instead I let Kathryn win out and soak in your warm and care.

                “Would you have done the same thing Chakotay?” I ask, my voice muffled by your uniform but you hear me; you have probably known that the question was on my lips before I did.

                “Yes”

                With that 1 simple word I relax, knowing that it was the same choice you would have made makes the burden seem lighter somehow. I sigh, physically letting go of the stress that I had felt, and my neck muscles relax too, sending waves of tension through my body, but this time they quickly end and my stress levels return to the normal level for a lone Starfleet Captain lost in the Delta Quadrant, still high but more manageable. By the time I realise it though, my hair is out of the pins that hold it in place, the Captain is firmly off duty, Absently I wonder where the pins are, I know there were quite a few in there. I feel you smile against my scalp and again wonder if you are a telepath.

                “Are you feeling better now Kathryn?” You ask your voice is soft and gentle; taking a second to answer I simply nod against your shoulder, not trusting my voice. Your hands are on my shoulders and you lean away slightly, my hair falling round my face as my head is still bent low. A tender finger lifts my chin to make our eyes meet, my troubled blue to your certain brown.

                “Then as your First Officer, and friend, I suggest you eat something and get some sleep.” Again a weak nod is all I can manage. Your smile tells me that you were going to get me something to eat regardless of my answer, and that coffee was off the menu.

                As you move to the replicator and I lean to sit down under the stars, our eyes have adjusted now that we don’t need anything more than the starlight to easily see each other. From the corner of my vision I see you place a plate down in front of me and the smell of your favourite mushroom soup floods my nostrils. I look up at you, noticing that you don’t have a plate.

                “I will see you in the morning Kathryn, get some rest.”

                You move towards the door but I manage to grab your hand making you turn back to face me, “Stay... please”. Your nod tells me that you will. The look in my eyes must have told you that I didn’t just mean for now.

                “Have you ever thought that sometimes the needs of the one benefit the many?” You ask, sitting down next to me and helping yourself to the soup from my plate.

                “You know, until this evening I hadn’t... but I am becoming a believer.”

                “Ambassador Spock was a wise man”

                _Indeed he was_ I think, settling back in to the crook of your arm, resting my head on your shoulder. _The needs of this one have been outweighed by the many for far too long._

               

 

 


End file.
